Me & family went through hell a 6 months ago! And we are still struggling with this realization of what became a nightmare & reality all at the same time.
On September 10, 2011, my baby brother Pauly died! He was only 29 years old...so young! This has been so difficult to deal with...as well for my family & his friends. Me, my sisters' Sherry & Sandra & my brothers' Paul & Charles were always close. We talked all the time...we love each other so much & people can tell that we have a close nit relationship.
Pauly was sick! He was obese. He had other problems that stemmed from this disease. He struggled with his obesity that took over his life. He could not leave the house, he struggled to stand up...& he struggled to breathe!
He was fighting demons that were beyond our control. We tried to help him...at least we tried too! He was hospitalized before & almost died. We all thought that would scare him enough for him to lose weight. He struggled with this everyday, every second of the day. Obesity is a disease, it takes over your life.
People would make comments like "why didn't he just stop eating?" 'Why not just kill yourself & get it over with?". WHY??? Why would some people would make awful comments like that? He was a loving, musically talented, compassionate & handsome young man that wanted to live his life, marry his fiance Jessy & have children one day! Oh, How he loved children!
He would say to me, "I can't wait to be a Dad!" & I would tell him, "One day you will!". He would of been a great dad too!
Pauly was loved by so many! He had a gift for music! He use to DJ at a local club when he was able to work. He was know known as DJ Que! He also played the guitar & sang. He truly loved music. He took online classes for Graphic & Web design. Him & I would talk about it b/c I do graphic design as well & he would tell me the things he was learning about. He loved it.
I can't stress enough how hard this is knowing he left us too soon. He had demons that was hard for him to deal with. Every day that goes by, his name is mentioned, or we are thinking about him. I miss him! Why did he have to go so soon? I want him here with us, I want him to make his dreams come true! I want him to be here to accomplish all the things he wanted to do in his life. I am pissed! I am so pissed that I could just scream.."WHY?" Why Pauly? He was so young...it wasn't time for him to leave! He is supposed to be here with his family & friends. Sharing his gift of music! I am just beyond pissed! I am angry, I am hurt, I am heart broken! There is a whole in my heart that will never be filled! He wasn't just a brother, he was a Son, he was a friend, he was Jessy's fiance', he was loved by so many & he was taken from us too soon.
I saw him two weeks before he was admitted to the hospital. We were there for our nieces' adoption celebration. Because of Pauly's disease, he was not able to attend. We visited him, he was so happy to see us, b/c we haven't seen him in 4 years or so when he came to PA to visit. We took some pictures while we visited. Oh I am so glad I did!
My Dad said he had put a lot more weight on & to be prepared, b/c he knew that I would be upset. I did know he did, b/c we talked all the time, so I wasn't surprised. I was sad for him though. He was confined to a bed where he could not stand but only sit down on his bed. He looked so happy to see us & we were happy to see him too. But, who would of thought that would of been the last time I would ever see him alive again. Who would of thought that later that week he would be admitted into the hospital & be in a coma on a ventilator.
As he was struggling for to survive, we keep in touch with his fiance, my parents & my sister who kept us informed on what was going on with him. We just thought this was just another one of those times in the hospital because of his disease. He was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks being in a induced coma & on a ventilator. When he asked be on the ventilator, he knew what it meant! He knew that this was it, he was going to die. We got a phone call from our sister that he was suffering & we had to make a decision in what was best for him. Me, my husband, my sister Sherry & her husband made plans to leave that night to drive the long heart wrenching 8 hour drive to North Carolina. I never cried so much in my entire life. Knowing what we were going to NC for was so hard to deal with. I did not want to witness my brother leaving us like this.....I wanted to tell to him to fight & stay here on this earth with us....but...he was tired! He was done fighting..he gave up! He could not live his life to the fullest like he should for a talented young man he was.
Yes I know I am selfish for wanting my brother to be here but he was too young.....way TOO YOUNG!!! He did not deserve this. I am angry as hell. I want o pick up the phone to call him & hear is voice one more time.
I miss him everyday & I will for the rest of my life! I will miss our chats, his laugh & him teasing me. I will miss him being here with me & rest of those who loved him so much.
Dear Pauly,
Words can not convey I how I feel the pain of missing you every second of the day. I know you are playing your guitar for the Lord & he is smiling knowing what a beautiful soul you are. I pray that you are at peace & know that you are truly loved by so many.
I love & miss you everyday & I will for the rest my life.
Love your big sis, ~Debbie
1 comment:
WOW that was deep. I know how much you and your family hurts and I prayed so much at that time for him to make it. I wanted to meet him face to face. I have 100's of messages from him so I really got to know and care about him. I know he looks down at us and we still keep him alive in our hearts. He was so funny at times too. I did get to visit his grave site and it was so sad when I was there. I was talking with him in my mind and said this is not where I wanted to meet you at! I do miss talking to him and there is so much I want to share with him that is happening right now. I know he is smiling at all of us and loves all of us. We get through it one day at a time and one day we will join him in heaven. It may feel like years to us but it's only a blink to him in heaven's time. I love you girl.
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